The Fourth Window

Saying ALAS, at the end of a tiring day, thinking to myself "Maybe that is the curse of the modern world", I crawled into my bed.

Fighting sleep and sleeplessness at the same time, looking at my windows, I realize life has always given me 3 options to act on. - Past. Present. Future. 

Thinking about how I could have changed my past and what are my options for the future, also realizing the present is the most significant - sleeplessness won. 

In awe of the victory and defeat at the same time, I was playing with the three windows, the combinations always interesting for a curious mind and tiring for a weak heart.

What seemed like an interesting exercise, unconsciously synchronized the heart and the mind, now sleep won. 

Neither in awe of the victory or defeat, when I woke up, little did I realize that the fourth window was the strongest and was always open. 

THE SCENT OF A PATTAS (fire crackers)

As a child, when asked to write an essay on Diwali, the first point we all would write is "Diwali is the festival of lights, we burst a lot of crackers on Diwali". But now, having come quite far away from home, to a place where the city is always lit and pattas is a constrained commodity, we realize, Diwali is too much to be constrained.

On a recollected Diwali eve, you would come back home late-night with a superstar movie hangover at 1AM and amma would shout “oh, u remember this is your house? And tomorrow is Diwali, nyabhagam irukka? Y don’t u sleep at the cinema”, so loud that neighbours would mistake that for a ten thousand wala (writing is as ‘10000 wala’ didn’t sound right). But she is the one who wakes you up at 5AM, in such a soft voice that u would mistake it for lullaby. Then you get ready for the longest bath (famously known as the ganga-snanam) of the year, where one might even become a tone fairer. Then you would wear your new clothes, take the actual ten thousand wala and ….. then starts the competition. A never spoken about competition, where the house which collects the maximum pattas left-overs at its verandah is the winner of that Diwali. 

In between the competition, you would have 2 main hurdles. One is when you are forced to visit your uncles and auties to seek their blessing, ok wait, seek some more money that goes to the competition funding. Two been asked to distribute sweets to neighbours. This scene is interesting. What one is supposed to do: visit the neighbour and say “happy diwali aunty, sweets, amma told me pass this to you”, then she goes “happy diwali kanna, dress supera irukke (that’s a very good looking dress)” and she passes equal or more sweets that you should properly transfer to your mom. But how it actually goes, collect all the sweets boxes from home at once, go to all the houses, literally throw the boxes and press the door-bell so hard, making sure their diwali morning is ruined and go back to the competition.

At the half-time of the competition, you come home in a state where your new Diwali clothes looks like a cloth used to clean the car or much worse, ur amma gives u a look as if she doesn’t recognize you. That’s when you hear the magical words “SOAP pottu hand wash panniya”. The most sumptuous meal is served. It gives back all the drained energy and also re-energising you for the second half of the competition. There aren’t much hurdles in the afternoon except for the ‘opposite house thatha’ shouting “pothuma pattasu??”. 

After crossing all the hurdles, when you are declared as the winner, you visit your friends and relatives place. At this point it is a strict NO NO to vehicles, only walking because comparing your pattas leftovers with all the other houses in your area (turf) takes time, vehicles are too fast for that.

Diwali grows, you grow, you leave your turf to compete at higher levels, in search of better prospects, in search of better quality of life. 

But the moment never grows. The moment, when you buy two sets of dress because one is definitely gonna be burnt by the pattas. The moment, when you fight with your siblings because “it’s my turn”. The moment, when you depart with your pattas because you don’t want your house-maid’s son standing in a corner and watching you have all the fun doesnt sound right.The moment, when you become a little older and you don’t burst any of the pattas for moral values like (global warming and child labour) and finally say “kadaise pattasa? Naan vekkata?”.

The moment, when years later, you sit far away from home, where their definition of diwali and yours doesn’t match, thinking about the simpler competitions of life, you would probably smell the scent of pattas in the air and follow it to find an Indian family, who jus got done playing with the pattas and call you to click a group picture. There u say “okay, ready everybody, 1…2…3… PATTAAAAAAS”.

Hit Continue

There are lot of instances where the drive to quit had been greater than ever, but u still hit continue.

Remember the Fridays, when you got up in the morning and felt “oh, I am not going to work today” but still, hours later, you are either sipping a cup of coffee, discussing the ‘so-fars’ and the ‘way-forwards’ or staring at a machine and thinking “oh, I am not going to the bar tonight”, but in the evening you find yourself with a glass of fermented liquid in between loud music where only you could hear to yourself and say, “I am not gonna allow it to be another wasted weekend” and before you are drawing a checklist of things to do over the weekend in your mind, u r already in bed, looking at the clock and saying “bledy hell, its already Saturday”?

Remember the last days of school or work or last time you knew you ll be seeing somebody and you tell yourself “it’s not over here, we are gonna keep in touch” but as the time goes on, as you meet new friends, as you move to a new place, as you think ‘it takes to lose some self-respect’ to be the first one to initiate a conversation, as your ego overrides your innocence, as your brain gets busier and the mind gets duller, as the number of friends on social media are directly proportional to the global population increase, as your bank account get bigger, as you learn to be rude to people who are nice to you and as you think ‘it may be too late to say a hi’ to the person you wanted to stay in touch, realize that at some part of the world there is someone who wishes ‘I should have been on touch’?

Remember the times when you saw an accident on the road, wanted to help and still your car rose from 45 to 55, remember the times when you wanted to travel, find out ways about forgetting the past get inspired from people and still went ahead putting the same money in buying a costly phone on which you would be expecting a message from the past, remember the times when you decided to spend the weekend in an orphanage, old age home or an animal shelter and went ahead in postponing it for the next weekend, remember the times then you wanted to stand-up and talk against some of the superstition ideas or corrupt practices that you wouldn’t agree with but ended up being corrupted by your own superstition voice which said shut-up, remember the times when you wanted to sit idle and remember the times, where you should have hit continue?

Remember the last time when I said “There are lots of instances where the drive to quit had been greater than ever, but u still hit ‘continue’” and realized to remember that I was talking about instances where the drive to hit continue has been greater, you still hit quit?

Experience

Apologies for writing something new in the middle of a intended series of articles on my Himalayas Trip.

Everything began when I just finished my schooling (class12). I had to choose an engineering college. Ya, the only choice I had (or knew) about 'what to study next' was engineering. I had to choose between a deemed university in Thanjavur, an autonomous university in Coimbatore and a very strict college in Chennai (where my parents lived, where my home is) that was affiliated to Anna University.

I knew that graduating from a deemed university is not as valuable as one done with Anna University, was a huge rumour. Every course is a good one as long as one is interested in it and every college is good, as long you have some (even a few would do) good looking girls in the campus. So, since I had changed my room's light-bulbs a couple of times and used to remember electrician’s phone number by-heart, I thought I was interested in Electrical Engineering and realizing that good looking girls can be found in every corner of this spherical planet and facebook, I chose Thanjavur.

Being in a new place away from home was exciting, new friends, sharing wardrobes and tables with  room mates instead of my brother, the best dinner was maggi (Top Ramen was even better), boring weekends, super fast WiFi and a warden who will the mark attendance especially on the night when I decide to catch a movie or grab a couple of drinks with my buddies. Life was awesome. Got used to the new hostel life, which was new only for a couple of days. Fortnight trains back home during the first year, bunking a couple of classes during the second year, asking parents for extra money during the third year and attending only a couple of classes during the last year. College was Awesome.

After hardly working for 4 years and deep knowledge in Electrical Engineering (you definitely know in part I am being sarcastic), I got a job in a leading (leading as in half of the college would get placed here and the other half with the competitor) IT company. The best part of the job was the offer letter said “Working from Chennai”. Accepted the offer, packed my bags and headed straight home.

After sitting simply in the training program for 4 months, I was deployed to Mumbai. Had fun there,  ate vada pav and dhahi, met some good looking girls (wow, a sphere has corners too), had new job as Program Analyst and lot of money to spend the weekends sleeping. I had lot of fun. Staying away from home gave me a lot of experiences, I learnt a lot, my horizons got wider, the people I know were from varied backgrounds and I definitely had a good idea of what I wanted to become.

Now, after working for 3 years and having done none of the things I have mentioned above, I am in a foreign land studying in an International University, renting a house with a group of guys I met through facebook. I still know how vada pav tastes, I know a lot of people from varied backgrounds and I had lot of fun staying at home all the twenty odd years. I know however wide my horizons are, its still not enough. I know good idea is a myth and a good idea about what I wanted to become is the biggest of all.

Staying in hostel gives a new experience, undeniable. But for a good experience one need not stay in hostels or stay away from home, one needs to be aware. Everyday is a new experience, some-days we react and some-days we respond. 

Even these 3 weeks of staying away from home has been an experience, but staying home waiting for yours friends to come from Thanjavur during weekends and play beach cricket is great fun, exploring the same old city with a new set of friends is awesome and watching your parents grow old staying very close to them is beautiful. What if I don't have your experience, you don't have mine either and we are both happy.

Sar Pass – Himalayas: How it started

Got a call from a friend when I was about to hit the bed on a February night.

Conversation starts:

Friend: “Hey did u check out the Youth Hostel Association India (YHAI) National Trekking Expediture on Himalayas. I am going”. (All excited).

 Me: Ya? Super.

F: U should come too…

Me: Seri thukirvom (sure, we will pull it off). But now I am almost sleeping, tomorrow morning I will book.

F: awesome, it’s called the sar pass. The max height on the route is 13800ft. U cross a frozen river and then slide down. I have booked for June 3^rd….

Me: (with lot of other interesting information and me not in a state to process all of that at once because I was sleepy) tomorrow morning sure thing.

F: (since I attended the call when I was half asleep, u should have figured by now, it’s a she. so let’s call her S) don’t forget, bye.

and she hangs up.

NEXT MORNING...

TEXT message from S: dai, the slots for June 3 is booked. USELESS.

Understanding the demand, I ask 6 guys and sign up for the adventure, with reporting day on June 4^th. I get updates about the whole thing via S from blogs, news articles, websites, etc. My mind voice, it’s only march now and we have a time till June. Paathukalam da.

 “We are in April now, have u booked the tickets”? Another message from S. We book tickets from Chennai to Delhi, both ways flight (We are employed u see). The thought of not asking dad money for flight ticket because we are employed rings a bell. We are employed, two weeks of leave is impossible. First of all, am I eligible for that much leave?

I told my boss “I am going to Himalayas for a trek and I need leave for 2 weeks”, seriously I told my boss I was going for a Himalayan trek and there are bosses who approve it. After impressing the boss with some good work and few weeks of waiting, Leave approved.

Now we are on the last week of May. Making a checklist took me only a few seconds because the most important things were covered in the YHAI website and their specifications were shared by Ms.S.

Things to bring along with you:

1. Rucksack - if you have one, if not, don’t worry YHAI will provide u a good one.
2. CottonShirts – 3 on the trek. Done carry too many, ur pics will look better in that place even with a dirty shirt.
3. Cotton Pants or tracks. Jeans is also good
4. Sun Cap – 3 minimum.
5. Torch – don’t plan to buy this at the base camp.
6. Shoes - Can be bought in the base camp for 300Rs, but for good ones go to woodlands or Quechua.
7. Slippers – to walk around in the camps.
8. Socks – 4 cotton and 1 woolen. Woolen can be bought the base camp.
9. Enameled or Steel Mug / tumbler – if it can keep the tea/water warm for long and it not very heavy. Go for it.
10. Tiffin box – forget plates. Take tiffin boxes which has at least two partitions. Reserve the biggest for deserts.
11. Water purifying tablets – will be mentioned on the website but don’t spoil the water up there with these stupid tablets. Forget the purifying tablets.
12. Pen knife.
13. Dry fruits – Don’t eat everything on the first day. Believe me, u will be tempted to, but DON’T.
14. Shoes in-soles.
15. Sun glasses – black or brown. Strictly no blue.
16. Cold cream / Vaseline and Sun screen – SPF 70 or more.
17. Toilet Paper – Water will be available.
18. Light weight Towels (2) – it should dry easily.
19. Rain sheet – plastic sheet quality that can cover till knee. Don’t take heavy raincoats.
20. Jerkin/ Winter Jackets – preferably water resistive.
21. Medicines which you normally use at home.
22. If you want to contact somebody take a simple mobile (that can hold charge for a long time) with Airtel connection. We had people who bought 4 cell phones, so that they can talk full time. If u meet similar people, don’t tell them u have an Airtel connection.
23. Camera with extra battery – if your friends don’t have one.

After borrowing the shoes and the bag (Wildcraft - Alphine 55), putting the most of the above mentioned things into the bag and buying some toilet papers, I was packed on June 1^st. Since everything was set, went out to watch a movie and chose ”yeh jawani hai deewani”. Awesome timing, first half was completely about a trekking expedition in the Himalayas. The number of girls who came to the trip (in the movie) got my hopes high. With full of hopes, an extra full bag and 3 friends with mutual feelings, I reached Delhi on June 2^nd.

The idea of POWER

At this point of time, when I say violence, we visualize a women being tortured at some place in this world, and who holds the figure of the 23 year old girl who died in Delhi recently because she was raped. I have seen a lot of posts in facebook and twiter where people ask for different solutions.

I see this as a problem of thought, a problem of how power is perceived. Especially by men, power is perceived in a physical sense. The power is defined as the authority or control over someone else. But power is the ability to resolve, that most of the Indian women of my generation and my mother's generation live as an example of.

Women today don't need a strange men to come and abuse them, things start very locally. I know guys who have hit their girlfriends because he doesn't want her to have any male friend. Sorry, I would perceive possessiveness differently. I have heard of men, who have left their wives for other women and the society blames it on the lady.

This is a problem in the genes, in the society. The idea that male is more powerful of the two sexes comes from the thought that "if I hold her hand very strongly, she won't be able to move". Though a lot of us are protesting, call ourselves educated, live in a city, and think we are advanced in the way we think. I am afraid we are wrong. The ability to park the car in the first attempt, the ability to hold on to the cricket bat, the ability to stay at office without thinking about home, the ability to come back home late night without anyone's company, the ability to get married late, and a lots more is very wrongly perceived as power by men.

During school, my exam would finish at 12:30, I would be home by 1:15 and by then my home phone would have already received 2 calls from my mother, who is at work, asking how I did the exam (even though she knows how I would have) and still sticking to the work schedule at office, that is power. Recently she got her right hand fractured, but still she runs the home single handedly (quite literally), that is power. I know lady friends of mine, who have got married a little early in their life, have a career, manage family awesomely, unlike men who wait for a stable income and all random trips with friends. That is power.

Oh yes they do break down a lot (even at movies where an elephant named Ramu dies). If shouting FUUUU*K and banging something on the floor is to men, crying is to women, to vent their anger, pressure and frustration.

By the way things are going, the vision of the great Tamil Poet Bharathiyaar's for women is definitely blurred, but what he perceived about power is real.

The ability to stand up against what one feels wrong is power, the ability to balance and bring harmony is power, the ability to grow another human being inside one is power, the ability to see what their sons have become is power, the ability to raise a true man is POWER.  That is why in Sanskrit, Shakti is rightly named as 'to be able'.

FAKE YOU!

Your life is a beautiful gift, unique to yourself, that is why you will have to fake it to the world. Because the world expects you to be like somebody, somebody normal. The people in life compare yourself with someone else. No, I don't mean u r being compared to Kalams and Narayanamurthys, u are being compared to Mahesh and Suresh next door. With all due respect to Mahesh and Suresh, u might want to ask what is the whole point, but come on let's be practical, when u are running a rat race u don't expect yourself to be compared with Lions.

I have very rarely heard of a teacher, who comes to your desk, points at your answer paper and says "wow, that is a brilliant way of looking at the problem, it's ok that u have got a few concepts wrong but your approach gives a new dimension. Let's work on that after school hours, keep it going", I have more heard them saying "what have u written, it is totally not in sync with what is given in the text book, I am not surprised you failed". With big aims and aspirations and with less people who have the time to understand, U FAKE.

U FAKE school life hoping that people grow with age. U start working, the new place promises to be a little better, but yes, it's just a matter of time. Appraisal, money and promotions fakes you. I completely understand, you have to give it in to the fact that when result is not produced, the whole purpose of why someone hired u is gone. So u lend your ear  to all the meeting room gyans, where people say "look at that team, look at this chart, look at him, when we were like u... (where ur heart would plead to say "like me?? go take a walk, I am unique")" u align to the what they say, instead of "how can I stick to my way of doing things and produce their results". Sadly your definition of growing up doesn't match theirs.

U FAKE, with the hope that personal life is going to rock. U fall for someone, propose, they accept or reject,  either way u r FAKED. If accepted, U are expected to change ur shirt, the way u talk, the things u do, be like your 'someone's' friend's someone and after doing all that u hear "u are no more the same". U cross this barrier, go talk to your 'someone's' parents to asking for your someone's hand and they compare u with their aunt's in-law's cousin's someone. By this time u r totally faked. If rejected, that is an entirely different story.

U FAKE every phase with the hope that once u have cross that phase, the world will welcome you with open arms, hug u, kiss u and embarrass you, but all it does is FAKE YOU, right royally.

U FAKE yourself all the way to impress lot of people, important people, and end up being disappointed with yourself, FAKED UP.

Change is good, correction is good, improving is good, but if the world calls faking as changing, improving and correcting. FAKE YOU man, my life is a beautiful gift, unique, I define my life.